Tellico Hater

Rev 3 (at least)

August 28, 2008

As for why I don't like the Tellico, I have multiple reasons.

Reason number 1: I've developed a contempt for the running of ledges with shear drops. I much prefer slides and technical maneuvers over simply dropping off yet-another-ledge to slam my tailbone yet-another-time. I've already hurt my lower back a few times just running ledges less than 8 feet in height. In order to enjoy ledges, you really have to be a pure adrenaline boater. It's all about how well you fall off of something, how big of a splash it makes, and how hard the hit is at the bottom. You either boof and hurt your lower back after a few shots or you plug in and hope to not get beat down in the hole. Either way, what's the big deal about that? I prefer technical maneuvering or a soft fluffy wave train with some nice 6 foot waves and the occasional giant wave-hole to avoid.

Reason Number 2: The Tellico is beautiful . . . but it's also roadside with all the accompanying trash, both the discarded type and the type walking on two legs, or rolling on four wheels as the case may be. I've now been cussed at by the same dumb redneck in a jeep with a snorkel on it on about 4 different occasions to the tune of "stupid f***ing hippy kayakers get off my river," and now I've finally burned out on it. I know it's the same guy every time and it's just one guy but he represents an entire class. Only a few other paddlers on the Tellico seem to have noticed him but I find it annoying and I can't stand it when things other than paddling are on my mind when I'm on the river. There's always a chance he won't come back of course, but there are a million more offroad idiots just like him driving through the gorge so it would be drop in the bucket and I can easily go somewhere that doesn't have any snorkel-Jeep-driving idiots who are dumber than the hound dog baying from their back seat.

Reason Number 3: If the Tellico is running, chances are that something else less crowded is running. Why don't paddlers go somewhere other than the Tellico? The Internet has produced a nice word for it: sheeple. If you want me to come out and paddle when it rains, you really need to come up with something better than, "Hey, I know,let's go to the Tellico for the 40,000th time this winter." If the Tellico is running, then probably the Plateau, LRC, Hooch, Chattooga, Smokies, every-single-thing in WNC, and God knows what else is probably running. Why not go there instead? I like the Tellico . . . about twice or three times a year. I don't understand going back again, and again, and again. It just doesn't make sense to me. If there was something different to do every time then I might understand (see Reason Number 4) but there isn't so I don't get it.

Reason number 4: I've only found about 0.5 places to play on the Tellico and as much as I like free-flowing creeks, I have to say, "Once a playboater, always a playboater." I don't always play, especially if I'm too nervous about the difficulty of the run or if it's too cold, but it's nice to have the option. Don't get me wrong, I like river-running too, but the river seldom changes significantly and eventually you've run every line and made every move. That's why I like to move on to the next creek whenever we get rain. River running is most enjoyable the first couple of times you descend a run that is new to you. Playboating is different every single time, even if you are in the same spot. Sometimes I even find myself trying to spin my creek boat (it works better than you think), and I can't do that on the Tellico. It's fun to run the Tellico once in a while but the lack of play cuts down on the enjoyment of repeat visits.